how to ruin lives (mostly my own)

i remembered how i used to feel

and it started all over again

New things in store.

I don’t really know how to say this other than that things have changed, I’ve changed, and I think I’m going to start a new blog, that is (hopefully) worth reading. It’s probably going to be about self-improvement, and the process thereof, with some stuff I find note-worthy and shareable with anyone willing to read. 

I’m not into ruining lives, I never was. 
I just hadn’t realized that.

I am this close.

I don’t know what I’m doing here.

Sometimes I lose sight of who I am and why I’m here and holy fuck, holy fuck, it makes me want to kill myself just the way I used to

There seem to be two of me, but I’m working on it.
There’s me who wants dig her fingernails into her skin and rip out every last vein, to do horribly painful things to myself as some form of penance for the person (if you can call it that) that I am.
There’s me who knows that this will be really hard, that yes, I’m the “happy” me right now, which means that I know I can change this, that this will take work, but i will be a better person and change my life. I will apply myself and be smart and not seek approval, learn to do the things I want to learn to do, to open my heart to everyone without being a doormat, etc. I will do all of these things. I will learn to have healthy relationships. I will progress in life. 

Happy me is logical and can deal with things and attempt to accept most realities and such, but it’s like I lose everything I’ve worked for when bad me comes around. I’ve spent years wishing for it to go away and fucking with my body and my head but it’s either kill myself now and stop playing a game, or pick myself up and take care of myself.

Nobody will take care of me, and nobody should have to.

Yeah, sure, I grew up in a household where shit fucked me up, yeah my parents hit me and continually instilled multiple forms of dysphoria in me, forgetting me at camp, hitting me, isolating me from months, all the usual bullshit that comes with a sob story. but now that I think about it, now that I know where all of my abandonment/etc, low self worth etc bullshit comes from, I know its origins and the causes of my problems so now solutions aren’t so far away.
I can do this. Happy me knows this, bad me thinks I can’t and never will, and will end up in a dumpster at the age of thirty. 

This is my life, these are my choices - regardless of how many times I’ve been told otherwise, this is the truth. This is my future, this is what I’m working for and if I don’t work for it now, it’s my fault when I’m fucked.

That’s not going to happen, because Happy me and Bad me, as much as I feel they’re different people, they’re in one body and they are the same person, 

 my light is too slight to hold back all of my dark

thanks brand new
but fuck man, I don’t want to fuck up my life anymore
I want to be happy
and I can’t let myself soak in this
when it gets mad, maybe I will finally take all those anti-d’s, but I don’t need them and I’m going to work as hard as I can without them to get rid of this, to get rid of these feelings, to work past them, to be a better person, to be whole. 

FUCK YOU ANXIETY

I want to see you again.

Fuck that.

An e-mail written to me for my mother, by her employee Jared.

You can move into a 2 bedroom apartment in kitchener, under these conditions;

I will provide money for food which Cindy will take you shopping once a week or however regularly you decide to go. I will give you money for lunches at school. You must show Jared receipts for purchases in order to get money reimbursed every week.
For lunch purchases without reciepts he needs you to write down what you bought and the price.

After school everyday you must go to the office to do homework or work at the office until close, 5 days a week. You do not have to get help from Jared but he needs to check your homework and school work everyday. He has offerred to help in any courses that you may have trouble in or would like clarification in. 

You must clean up after yourself in the common living areas and in kitchen after you cook.

Your music cannot bother the other tenant, this will need to be a mutual agreement between the two of you.

You must keep a notebook of where you are going where you have been at the beginning and end of the weeks.
 
You can make money for the weekends by taking the garbage out from behind the office and in the office, also additional money to clean ______

You are able to go out on weekends if your homework is completed at the end of the week. You are not allowed to go out on Sunday nights or on weeknights.
 
Starting on Monday you must be in the office to do review and work around the office. You can sit down with Jared to discuss this all on Monday as well.
 
Please email me back  as soon as possible, please attach a copy to Jared @
_________________


I got pissed off.


These conditions are more stringent than those on house arrest.
I have things to do after school on weekdays, I’m not always going to be there from as soon as I get out of school until close. I’m also not going to stay there until 7-8 every time I’m there. I have things like doctors appointments, therapy, school functions, and all the usual things that would keep me from doing so.
I won’t bring you a receipt for everything, because they don’t give receipts for ticket sales at shows, etc, and I’m not going to ask for a receipt every time I get a coffee.
I’m not spending every day in the office next week. I have one week of summer left, and you’re not going to ruin it.
i have stupid medical appointments, goodbyes for people going off to university and things, and general stuff in relation to life, like most people would.
I’m not spending all day, every day in the office but am willing to negotiate a certain number of hours that must be spent in there.
I’m going to my school for a fair amount of time on Monday and to the Doctor’s for a fair bit on Tuesday, blah blah blah.
Not all homework given out over the weekend gets finished Friday night. People rarely finish all of the homework assigned on Friday night ON Friday night.
Why?
because it’s Friday.
And if I’m only allowed out on Fridays and Saturdays, and I’m basically (by the text below) already not allowed out on Fridays, I’ve got one night a week to go out, if that.
How do I contact you without a phone? I don’t have a computer at home to e-mail you any changes of plan or to finish any schoolwork that was not finished in the office/for personal use, seeing as any time spent in the office will be on homework and not my own personal enjoyment People do, in fact, use computers - I swear it’s true.
I can make money by cleaning up 15 Cedar and taking out the trash? That would provide me with all of what, $20 for a week?
 
Congrats on making a terrible plan, full of holes and without any consideration for the fact that I might be a real person and have things to do and places to be, etc. etc. etc

Fuck that, you didn’t care this much before and you’re not caring this much now. That’s bullshit.

You are a beautiful person and I hope you never fucking forget that. You are absolutely wonderful, and no, I have no idea who’s reading this or who you are but that doesn’t change shit.

You know this world we live in, we’ve all got problems and bullshit we push through everyday, but how much have we forgotten? How much have we overlooked?

It’s as if this world around is made out for something else - and you miss the beauty in everyday things, in the people that you love and care about and all the strangers who make this so much more than what you know

I don’t know how to say this properly, I can’t write for shit

but holy fuck, this life